Category: mental health

The rest will come

I work each day

To glue myself back together

All the little broken pieces

I never knew how love could grow

Or how a heart could feel

When the love goes away

I didn’t know my spark could dim

And it would take so much time and energy to get one flicker back

One flicker of my old glow

I know I’m on the way back

But there are missing pieces

And my picture is filled with holes

It takes so much time

To heal a broken heart

But a heart with missing pieces can’t heal

It can only become something new

I thought I was almost back

But I feel further behind today than I did yesterday

I guess it’s natural to ebb and flow

In any process of change

I have to accept I’m not the same

And recognize the new me in the mirror

Because she plans to change my life

I am terrified and tearful

When I let myself think

So I numb the feelings anyway I can

I am fearful as I know

now comes the time for the real work

When I stand up and accept the new look of my life and my heart

I know I will have to grieve the old

But I am afraid I can’t bear it

As then it will be real

And if I can’t bear it, what does that mean?

Piece by piece I try to breathe and accept and love and live in each moment as calmly as I can

I tell myself that all I really have to do is love

Love myself and others

And if I do that, the rest will come

Someday the rest will come

Stay safe everyone

A moment for humanity

Since I wrote my post a few days ago about a moment at a party where I felt free, I thought more about that simple word: Moment.

I have often said, as many of us do, that we only have this moment. Nothing else is guaranteed so let’s try to make the moment count.

I have often believed a small kind gesture to a stranger is a moment that can change the world. I’ve written about that in this blog.

But I also know we all have bad moments, those when we hate something or someone, when we indulge in self-pity, or talk poorly about others.

I guess I’m thinking even more about this in our current world of covid, with so many people sick or hurt all around us, and how insignificant and powerless we can feel. How can we fix it? It seems insurmountable.

But imagine if we took those bad moments and turned them on their head? What if each one of us tried to change one moment a day? How much better would life be?

It might be our best shot at shifting the mood, the social climate and maybe even the sustainability of humankind.

I have had some bad moments today. I’m going to face tomorrow with a new goal: To take at least one bad moment and make it good.

I hope you will too.

Stay safe everyone.

A moment

There was a moment

Within the flashing lights, the twinkling disco ball, and the strobe

Amidst the 80s pop, the Cindy Lauper, and the synthesizer

Surrounded by women we didn’t quite know, all dressed in 80s glamour, especially on our faces

There was a moment

When we all felt free

When the DJ played ‘Girls just wanna have fun’

We danced like no one was watching

After a minute or so we looked around at each other

We shared a knowing glance

We had to shout ‘This is an amazing moment!!!!!!’

And we all cheered, ‘It is!!!!!’

We were free of the light of day

We were free of the doubts about fitting in

We were free of the worries about how we looked

We were free to be foolish together

We were free to be ourselves, authentically

In that moment

We glimpsed true freedom

And that freedom felt like wings

Stay safe everyone

Metamorphosis

The ground shifts

The feeling of transformation is not the same as change alone

It’s not like adapting to a new thing

It’s like becoming new

The old exists but in a different form

You still love the holidays

Because it’s not the same to the new you

It use to be about tradition

Now it’s about peace

I have been nauseous, tired, and angry for a long time

I have been broken hearted

But I feel something moving, adjusting, transforming

I can walk with my head a bit higher

I cry less about things I cannot control

The ground still shifts and makes me dizzy

But I’m learning to balance

As I shift into the new, I no longer need to grieve the old

Because I am still here

In my new form

And I think that’s something to celebrate

I know I’m only one step forward in an ongoing conversion

But as I grow more in tune with the new, I welcome the shifting soil

Stay safe everyone.

Inside voice

I sometimes think my inside voice despises me and everything I stand for

Including the terrible grammar in the previous sentence

And the neediness that comes through in my blog posts and social media presence

Count your blessings they say

I say it too

But how many times can you count them before it stops working

And how many times can you count them before you realize there are less than there use to be

Without being shattered

And how many times before you realize how ungrateful you are for not living in the moment and enjoying each day to the fullest

I don’t know

So I try to erase that inside voice

And truly take in the positives I hear and see around me in an attempt to counteract it

Because my inside voice is one of self hatred

I wonder sometimes if maybe I should listen

Because to feel so absolutely alone and unloved while also being loved every day just doesn’t make sense

A walking oxymoron – that’s me

Why are my blessings and supports not enough to shut that voice up

I don’t know

I guess it just feels so pointless sometimes

Because that inside voice is a part of me

And despite all my blessings

I’m all I got

Stay safe everyone